In a statement today DayZ’s development team at Bohemia Interactive insisted that employee ambivalence was the main force holding back development of their long overdue zombie apocalypse simulator.

‘Things really slowed down after the first week. After we’d managed to pay off our collective salaries without even having to scribble down a plan for the project, that’s when we gave up.’

‘Game development can be tough… but not when you have a concept, a pre-built game engine, a host of relevant art and assets, a large fan base, and practically limitless funding. We just decided to not do the thing we were supposed to do as we already had all the money.’

DayZ Standalone piggybacks of the wild success of an earlier fan-made mod for the ARMA series. The mod featured a functional AI zombie army for players to battle, flyable helicopters, custom player bases, and a smooth framerate; all features the current standalone version lacks, despite being sold on Steam for £22.99.

‘We really thought we were trolling hard with the 0.62 update patch notes which only mention “denser forests”, minor improvements to some buildings, and some woolly notes about improvements to sound and lighting. Pretty sure I was drunk when I wrote that.’

‘We’ve not actually done any work all month, we just get the intern to periodically shut the servers down to give the illusion that we’re hard at work doing complicated coding stuff.’

Playerunknown’s BATTLEGROUNDS has recently swept the PC gaming scene, offering players an exciting PvP struggle to survive, on a game engine that doesn’t quit to desktop every 12 minutes for no apparent reason.

‘We like what the team at Bluehole have done…’

Said Bohemia’s spokesperson.

‘Without their genuinely entertaining survival shooter on the market, the fans would still be hounding us for our half-baked walking simulator.’

DayZ is currently available for download on Steam Early Access, divided between the experimental version (which is a buggy mess), and the stable version (which is also a buggy mess). PS4 players have been promised a release of the game, but they’ll have to wait a little bit longer than the PCMR.

In Bohemia’s words: ‘Perhaps around the time Half Life 3 releases.’

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